Everything I can carry
全ての持てる物

spoken word  ·  transcribed and lineated  ·  English  ·  Español  ·  日本語

So much to do,
so much to do.
Looking back,
you have so much.
You had no idea
this much was waiting for you.
That’s why you are here.
Take stock.
Note down.
Note down.
Do what feels honestly like 自分…
You might feel like a novelty,
showing your full self to bear.

I think I need to set time to organize
as part of my routine.
There’s something therapeutic
about taking all the contents of my backpack out,
essentially vomiting it out.
I do the same thing when I get home.
I take everything out of my pockets,
out of my coat,
my pants pockets,
my shirt pockets,
and it’s like I’m going
blaw, blaw,
throwing everything on me
onto the canvas that is the table,
and painting it
with what was on me.
I’ve thought of doing a portrait series
where I do that,
where I collapse myself into a table
with all of the things that I can hold.

I’m going to take a picture right now
of the desk I’m using.
I lit an incense.
My asthma pump.
A fidget cube.
Unopened One Piece cards.
This is all the stuff that was in my backpack,
plus whatever was on the table.

A prayer card I got for when my grandmother deceased.
A notepad I’ve had since my senior year of high school,
that I ended up using for doodles.
A note my fiancée wrote for me.
A letter.
A pencil to write with.
One, two, three, four, five, six pens
I took from work that people left lying around.
Receipt.
A journal I got from an internet friend,
around ninth or tenth grade.
My passport.
A comb.
Eragon, by Christopher Paolini, paperback.
Tokyo Ghoul: re volume one,
the Viz Signature manga.
A charger pouch.
A beanie with a Dominican flag on it.
Comics I drew with my fiancée.
A weekly rituals and intentions planner
that I should really use.
I should put it somewhere I’ll see it
and immediately just write on it.

Magazine from my union.
The 23rd annual Paseo de las Artes
Uptown Art Stroll, 2025 guide.
Damn, I gotta look for when this year’s comes out.
A signed Funko Pop of the Red Ranger, by Rocky.
An unopened Elestrals Daybreak box,
a booster box.
My Switch,
with Pokémon Legends: Z-A loaded in.
Vicks VapoRub.
My AC remote.
A USB-C microphone.
Bluetooth headphones.
A lighter.
Welch’s fruit snacks, two of them.
Tylenol Cold and Flu Severe.
USB-C headphones, wired.
A Japanese booster pack of Pokémon Black & White,
the Japanese edition.
I got it the month of release,
in Japan,
at the Kyoto Pokémon Center, wearing matching kimono with my girlfriend,
who earned the trip for us
by getting her masters in General & Special Education,
God bless her.
A Straight Outta Bryant Park sticker.
A Mew York City Pokémon Go sticker
with the QR code.
A hair pick.
Gum, Extra spearmint, long-lasting.
A Pokémon tin for the TCG,
Scarlet and Violet: Paldean Fates,
with shiny Great Tusk.
The Italian version,
which I got in 2024,
two years ago coming back from a wedding.
A JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Real Action Hero,
Weather Report and his stand, Weather Report.
Hand sanitizer.
Two bottles of Pure Life Nestlé water
that I’ve poured into a Dominican aluminum cup
that holds a lot of water.
A coaster inspired by Battle Angel Alita,
the James Cameron version.
It says:
“Iron City’s infamous Kansas Bar,
established after the fall.”
Another coaster I got at, I want to say, Anime NYC.
Sword Art Online: Alicization Rising Steel,
the Bandai Namco game.
Wasn’t for resale;
I think I just got it from the booth.
A KN95 mask.
An Apple MacBook Air,
2021 model, I want to say.
Incense sticks:
Palo Santo,
White Sage,
and St. Michael Archangel.

And then I have a lamp,
one light bulb,
a shade,
and around it I’ve attached notes
my loving girlfriend wrote for me as thank-yous.
Some doodles I’ve done over the months
working at the oncology pharmacy.
A fortune cookie that says:
“Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.”
On top of the lampshade,
a Pokémon Sitting Cuties Excadrill plush,
and a JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Super Action Series figure,
the posable kind:
Josuke Higashikata, part eight.
And an artisanal, homemade something.
I don’t know what it is.
Not a plush, but like a doll:
a small leather-bound camel
with thread
and a little saddle made of felt.
I don’t know,
but it’s there,
hanging around the ring at the top.

A plastic tin of Aviva soda crackers:
galletas de soda, biscuits.
Inside:
a Samsung Z Fold 3.
Another lighter.
Two empty containers of Advanced Energy.
One is Moo Moo Milk, the Pokéaim flavor,
the other is Pokéaim’s hydration, Meteor Burst.
Empty bags.
An empty bag holding empty Ziplocs.
A bottle opener.
And foot powder, regular scent.

That is the state of my life.
This Sunday, June 28th,
10:34 PM.

I’m at peace with myself.
I’m very happy and grateful
to have the co-workers I have,
the friends I have,
the family I have,
the love I get to share.
I was sad I didn’t have therapy today.
I’ve been looking forward to my conversations with Mr. Cruz.
He helps center me,
and I think my biggest regret so far
has been not being as proactive
with some of the things he’s brought up,
or following up on conversations that,
even listening to them over,
I feel like I should be taking more advantage of.
So I’m going to start recording our conversations.
I don’t know,
maybe I’ll do the audio
while I do the Zoom call on Riverside,
or on iPhone.

I would like to say out loud
that I want to learn a martial art,
and relate with my therapist on another level,
because so far
all of the experiences we’ve shared
have really validated me as a young adult.
Well, actually,
I don’t know what’s young anymore.
I still feel young.
I just turned 32 this year!
But yeah, I still feel really young.
I’m going to call myself a young adult.
And I found out Mr. Cruz is in his 50s,
early 50s I think.
Our gap is such that he’s old enough
that I feel like a peer,
but I also have so much I can learn.
And I think that’s been my boon for the past year,
or a year and a half.
Maybe since I started working at the oncology pharmacy in September.
Like eight months.
Yeah, I don’t know.
Three quarters of a year.
But anyway,
I’ve been really proactive about listening.
Hearing
and taking in from other people.
Actively seeking others’ input,
and considering it seriously
after seriously listening.
I feel like that’s such an underused trait
that so many young men could take advantage of.
While you’re young,
just listen.
Experience.
Watch.
Learn from others.
The thing about thinking you’re the main character
is that you minimize other people
who are also main characters.
Everyone is the main character of their life.
Why not see how someone else does it?
And to really know how to do that,
you remove yourself from the equation.
Interjecting,
interrupting other people
when you get reminded of something.
Let them finish their story.
Let them finish that thought.
Because then it might go somewhere
you weren’t expecting.
And that’s how we really learn.
Being open to possibility.

Going to get a haircut, whenever I do.
My brother is my barber.
And I like to observe whenever he’s taking care of me:
my hair,
my beard,
my eyebrows.
My nose hairs.
My ear hair.
My lineup.
My scalp.
My bangs.
My sideburns.
The back of the neck.
Behind the ear.
I try to take in the care he applies onto me
and replicate it myself.
Whenever I shave,
I consider that self-care.
It’s time I dedicate to making myself feel good.
I feel beautiful.
I feel handsome.
Whenever I shave,
it feels like I’m an artist,
a sculptor,
getting to define the masterpiece that is me.
Because I’m confident.
I know what I am,
I know what I can do.
I know how I can be better.
And I present that forward and live it.
The first step is just believing it and doing it.
Even if you fail,
the only one stopping you from doing it again
is yourself.
This is as much a motivator for you
as an imperative for me.

I could do better.
There are things I haven’t been as harsh on myself about
as I should have been.
And that’s also okay.
The point is to acknowledge it.
With acknowledgment,
you can focus the energy
on finding the most optimal path forward.
The goal is to not drown in your own misery.
Blow some bubbles.
Learn how to swim.
You have to teach yourself.
The idea is not to shame.
It’s to encourage.
The same way native speakers
see a foreigner earnestly trying to learn their language,
they will always cheer you on.
It’s okay if you make mistakes.
Do you notice how they immediately correct you,
with inflection,
with pronunciation?
And they just want you to repeat it.
(Óyeme, y repítemelo)
(ほら、発音を聞いてみて)
The reason children are like wet sponges
when it comes to knowledge
is because they aren’t afraid to make mistakes.
They know they’re going to learn it eventually.
People will correct them;
all they have to do is wait to be corrected.
But the problem with adults
is that you don’t want to be corrected.
You want to get it right the first time.
And there comes the hesitation,
because you’re not sure how to do it perfectly.
And that’s natural,
because it hasn’t even been the first time yet.
You have to make some progress before you reach perfect.
It’s acceptance of that,
and acceptance of the fact
that it’s always going to be a process.
It’s never going to be instantaneous.
And that’s okay.
It just has to get done.
It will get done.
It’s a matter of:
will you get it done now, or later?
And if you get it done now,
what are you going to get done next?
Sometimes the motivator is knowing
there’s something behind it.
Maybe something you want to do.

It is with these things in mind
that I want to make an optimal schedule for myself.
That includes exercise,
maybe in the morning before work.
Some time to cook in the evening.
Some time to rest.
Scroll,
play a game,
watch TV.
But then there should be a separate time
just for reading.
Reading manga,
reading comics.
Read something you can write about.
Or might want to.
But you don’t have to.
The point is not to force it—it’s to keep going back to the content that you love,
and finding something you want to share.
Something you love.
Something that stood out to you.
Something you think is important.
Something that spoke to you.
Or you hope will speak to others.
Something that makes you say:
this is why this is unique.

Angel used to call you the primo guy.
He only recommends primo tier.
The reason you know primo
is because you know segundo.
You know tercero.
You know cuarto, quinto.
There will be slop.
There will be peak.
There will be everything in between.
And the good part is,
there’s something to say about everything.

I wanted to write some kind of update video,
or a diary entry to post on my website.
Maybe a formal announcement
about what this website is turning into.
Mostly,
I just want to check in.
I want to see how everyone’s doing,
and I want you to know how I’m doing.
Life is good.
I’m engaged to a person I love
so deeply,
so sincerely,
so wholly.
And have a mother I also love and adore,
who also gets along so lovingly
with the person I’ve chosen to settle my life with.
I have nothing but gratitude for that,
and for holding a union job
that helps me negotiate for good wages,
good benefits,
proper job security,
support nets,
health insurance,
paid time off,
sick time,
resources to get back to school,
to become financially independent,
financially literate.
To find another profession.
To help with childcare.
To provide a pension.
And it functions as a political action committee.
Even if they’re behind the ball when it comes to candidates sometimes.
I’m grateful to have been born and raised in New York City,
Washington Heights,
Little Dominican Republic.
While also being from Baní,
Peravia,
República Dominicana.

·   ·   ·

No tengo nada más que amor
para mi familia,
mi país,
mi raza,
mi abuela.
Quien me crió con tanto amor
y tanta ternura.
Abuela Luz.
Quisiera tanto hablar más,
una vez más,
con usted.
Decirle todo lo que me ha enseñado.
Y todo lo que le agradezco.
Por quererme tanto.
Y por darle una familia tan buena a mi madre.

Guela.
Solo quería decirte
que aprendí a amar y a querer a mi madre
con el mismo amor que Dios quiere a sus hijos.
Y yo creo que eso fue lo que usted quería que yo aprendiera.
Creo que eso fue lo que usted me quería enseñar.
Y te quiero dar las gracias.
Por poder enseñármelo.
Que ahora sé el amor que les voy a tener a los hijos míos.
Y el amor que usted tuvo por mí,
se lo puedo dar a un nieto también.
Eso sería el último deseo que quisiera tener.
Yo creo que la única razón por la que quiero ir al cielo
es para verte,
y gozar de lo que tuvimos,
y de lo que yo tuve por ti.
Y quisiera saber todo lo que pasó en tu vida
antes de que yo naciera.
Quiero ver si Mami me puede contar cuentos.
Pero me parece que…
que quizás no le importe,
o no sepa qué decir.
Le temo a esto,
y lo uso como excusa para no preguntarle.
Me estoy haciendo una promesa
de que lo voy a hacer
la próxima vez que la vea.
Esto sería yo aprendiendo
de lo que dije hace un momento.

·   ·   ·

僕は今、誓います。
次に母に会えたら、
祖母の昔話を聞きます。
もっと家族の歴史を知りたいです。
だから、もっと家族の歴史を調べます。
僕はペニャ・ピメンテル家の息子です。
この血統に向かいます。

·   ·   ·

Esto fue Canto Puro, por Wavey.
Episodio uno.